During this time a young person develops a more complex understanding of sexuality, relationships, and healthy communication. During these formative years, the message they get from us takes shape. What we do and say (or more commonly what we don’t do and don’t say) will influence our children for the rest of their lives.

If you are approachable and answer questions about sexuality and relationships in a positive manner, it will almost guarantee your child a positive sexual foundation. This foundation will positively influence your child’s view of sexuality forever. Unfortunately, if the approach is negative, shameful, or absent, the reverse will happen.

Even though it can be scary to talk to our kids about sex, the issue of sexuality is and will continue to be an integral part of your child’s life.

When our children are young, their questions are “functional.” Common questions may include: “Why do boys have penises and girls don’t?” “How is a baby made?”

As our children mature, their questions begin to blend basic functional knowledge with a more meaningful, relational understanding of sex. They begin to have more questions about relationships and love, fairness and equality, negotiation and compromise.

And because the media bombards us with sexual messages, questions about sex come at earlier ages. In addition, because girls are experiencing menarche (a girl’s first period) at earlier and earlier ages we must transform the way we educate our children in order to catch up with the actual changes in maturity.

I think what creates so much anxiety for parents when faced with these questions is our view about sex, love, romance, and sensuality. The way we understand all of this is heavily influenced by what society, community, and media tell us about sex, relationships, and love. And the message they have for us is negative, unrealistic, and unhealthy.

First, when we have positive healthy attitudes around sexuality we are more comfortable talking to our kids about sex. Secondly, if we start educating our kids at birth, this conversation is simply an extension of earlier conversations.

Late elementary school is the time we need to begin talking about sexual feelings and attraction. These feelings are so strong during adolescence. Let kids know that those feelings are normal and that there are many ways people can express their feelings that are safe, healthy, and beneficial. Many people begin to develop sexual skills that will benefit them for a lifetime. Skills like the art of kissing, flirting, holding hands, being romantic, spontaneous, or adventurous. Those are important skills! Those are skills some adults have not learned, to their detriment.

By the time a child has gone through puberty, we have lost our best chance. If we wait until middle or high school, we’ve waited to long.

Impart positive sexual values early. Let them know that feeling attraction is a part of the human experience. Feeling loved can be one of the most rewarding feelings, and losing a love can be one of the most devastating.

Teach them at an early age they are valuable lovable people; they are deserving of healthy respectful relationships. Cultivate a strong sense of self worth.  When a child respects their body they are more likely to make healthy sexual decisions later on.

Let them know you are available to talk, that the door is always open, because as their parent, you want them to have a rewarding, positive sexual life. Let them know that a deep loving relationship with someone we are attracted to is one of those sweet special things in life.